thewashingmachinepost




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excuses, excuses

rain on the window

as i sat, munching my way through a second (small) plate of porridge last sunday morning, i received a text on my ipod (which was playing tracks from 'jive for five' by the bob holman/mel lewis quintet; thoroughly recommended) from a member of the peloton, calling off from the morning's ride. there are any number of reasons as to why anyone in the velo club might decamp from the multitides, but in this case, the reason was just a tad on the suspicious side. "i've been awake all night due to the noise of the rain on the windows."

i do know that this particular member of the pelotonese has 'velux' windows, meaning that the rain will fall directly upon the glass, but if you have any experience at all of the west coast of scotland, you will be aware that the sound of rain on windows is our equivalent of muzak in elevators. if that particular sound keeps you awake at night, you're going to be a very tired individual at the end of each year.

now, i'm not necessarily casting aspersions on this particular reason for not joining the sunday ride; there's every possibility that the rain was particularly onerous overnight (i sleep like a log, so i've no idea). but you have to admit, it has the faint whiff of an excuse to go back to bed, don't you think?

which brings me to the subject of more credible excuses, either in favour of cycling, despite him or her indoors making it perfectly plain there is at least a soupcon of chores to be completed, or, as in the example above, not going cycling. from a personal point of view, i have what i must declare as an unfair advantage. no matter the domestic duties to be undertaken, there is every possibility that i have a bicycle, a component or garmentage to be reviewed and/or photographed. since employment tends to take up most of my weekdays, tasks such as the aforementioned can only be accomplished at weekends.

and i'd never dare interrupt the sunday ride for photographs, so saturday it has to be.

perhaps the most believable excuse would be to claim a deflationary malfeasance (puncture), discovered only on opening the bike shed door prior to the grand départ. however, that's an excuse that only works if you own a solitary bicycle. two punctures on two bikes takes the excuse just a few degrees beyond the pale. in point of fact, pretty much any mechanical problem would probably suffice, just as long as you are mechanically enough aware to know of that about which you speak.

but it would surely be a redundant discussion to explore all the possible and credible excuses which may be trotted out on a sunday morning, or possibly a wednesday evening, if your club tends to hold a chaingang on that evening. everybody's circumstances are different. however, i think it's logical to compare the issuing of excuses with attempts to win the sunday morning, end of ride sprint. take-off too early and the element of surprise is lost; your adversaries will likely sail past as you run out of steam. better to leave it to the very last minute, when that element of surprise leaves no time to retaliate.

if you'd rather stay in bed on sunday mornings, or have a more leisurely tea on wednesdays, don't telegraph your excuse too far ahead of time; it will only give your fellow riders the opportunity to undermine your carefully thought-out reasoning. far better to contact one of them as they're manfully or womanfully trying to pull on a pair of bibtights or overshoes. you might prefer to opt out, but they'll be less than inclined to turn up late. ultimately, any thoughts of avoiding a bike ride for spurious reasons such as 'rain on the windows', ought surely to have you meditate upon rule #5 for a substantial period of time?

that sort of talk never completed 500 festive kilometres.

sunday 23 december 2018

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on the wrong side of the tracks

cup and cone bottom bracket

there are, mostly confined to the aether and the interweb, machinations, which end in the nomination of an individual or group as 'top influencers'. this is a state of affairs that doubtless exists within all strata of modern life, but i will, for the sake of brevity, confine my discussions to that of the velocipedinal realm. perhaps with good reason, not only has my name been conspicuous by its absence from the podium (podia?), i think it highly likely that this will remain so for the foreseeable future. and not only am i not ignorant of the situation, i'm pretty sure i know the reason(s) why.

threaded headset

probably my first suspicions of the cycle industry's motives about which i felt compelled to query, involved the integrated headset/external bottom bracket affair. to briefly recap, in the light of the once, ever-increasing diameter of the head-tube, the headset found itself minimised and placed inside the tube. in accordance with marketing philosophy, this, we were told, was purely in the interests of increased stiffness. therefore, this was a good thing. but around the same time, the bottom bracket, previously ensconced within the frame, made a bid for freedom, resulting in two external cups, featuring larger bearings. this too, was promoted as a means of improving lateral stiffness.

though i have only a rudimentary grasp of physics, it occurred to me that one of the above had to be wrong. however, despite my persistent moans and groans, nobody paid any attention whatsoever.

zwift

rather than subject you to the mores of everything that has been added to my luddite portfolio, allow me simply to mention hydraulic disc brakes on road bikes, electronic gear systems, strava, zwift and all other forms of what is now termed e-racing (thank you, british cycling). like many an individual, i am somewhat resistant to change; despite both roland and yamaha earnestly developing ever more capable and expensive electronic drum sets, i own one drumset in vintage marine pearl, resembling those of buddy rich and gene krupa (ask your grandad) and another that would not have looked out of place beneath the flailing sticks of elvin jones or max roach. and two of my bicycles are steel.

i'd imagine more than a few of you, at this point, have now decided there are more pressing matters to which they must attend. and i'd wholeheartedly agree that my misgivings over the direction in which things are heading, are perhaps just a little too contradictory. but i harbour serious doubts that there are too many things masquerading as progress, which are simply being done because they can be done, with little thought given to necessity or pragmatism. for instance, who amongst you has found that electronic gears have freed up an appreciable amount of energy that was draining away when forced to click a lever or two? and was it worth the extra £500?

brake pads

i willingly plead guilty to railing against stuff, the point of which escapes me, such as strava and zwift, mention of which has, if anything, erred too heavily on the frequent side of more than enough. yet once again, my total lack of influence has resulted in the latter proponent of virtual cycling receiving $120 million (£95 million) of investment. one of those funders stated that it was "investing in the teams who are transforming sports media and sports technology."

strangely (or perhaps not strangely), i cannot recall anyone explicitly questioning whether sports needed transforming in the first place. the cynic in me only sees a manipulation of data, all the better to sell onto advertisers and more ways of relieving us of our hard-earned, by those more interested in profit than whether the next generation of tour riders arrive via their living-rooms and large-screen televisions.

it's hard to be influential when you're still in thrall to maple reinforcing rings inside the drum shell.

saturday 22 december 2018

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something for the weekend

quoc pham - the weekend

though it definitely says more about me than about anything or anyone else, i find myself feeling a tad uncomfortable when riding my bicycle dressed in civvies. reaching debbie's on a friday afternoon after playing hooky from work, i would generally be still clad in what i might call regular clothing, simply to save the inevitable faff involved in dressing like a refugee from the peloton, thus reducing froth supping time. cleated shoes, are, of course, something of a necessity, given that i do not own any bicycles with standard quill pedals.

changing those would inevitably add to the faffing.

quoc pham - the weekend

i have long contended that cycling is, contrary to the views of many of my non-cycling colleagues, a more than appropriate means of transport. skinny tyres and bendy bars are inclined to make it appear a smidgeon more sporty, but nonetheless, there is no explicit need to don a zipped jersey replete with three rear pockets, simply to go order a cup of coffee. (and maybe a slice of lemon drizzle cake.) in an effort to practice what i preach for at least a modest amount of time, the above is pretty much the way it works.

however, though smart but casual ought scarcely to upset the apple cart, i live in fear of alejandro valverde arriving at debbie's around the same time and not unnaturally assuming i am simply one of the velocipedinal proletariat. i'm sure you can see where i'm coming from? at any rate, the other problem is the aforementioned footwear, for even shoes of an offroad flavour tend to stand out in a crowd and tend to cause sparks on a stone floor.

quoc pham - the weekend

it's tempting fate to enquire whether there others amongst the faithful who harbur similar misgivings, but should that be found to be true, you may wish to join me in visiting quoc pham's kickstarter page. quoc has long been the provider of classic cycling footwear to suit pretty much every style of riding, a trend he's set to continue with the advent of his latest shoe, entitltled, 'the weekend'. the name may offer something of a clue as to its intended use.

more closely resembling the podium footwear sported by our heroes when collecting flowers, cuddly lions and kisses on each cheek, the weekend can be ridden with or without cleats, making it likely more versatile than many of its predecessors. for those quizzical as to why a shoe that, to all intents and purposes, looks like nothing more than a smart pair of trainers with a substantial price tag, if you've ever tried riding any appreciable distance in a pair of trainers, you may wish to read further.

quoc pham - the weekend

the weekend features a watertight outsole to help keep those tootsies nice and dry, as well as a sturdy midsole to allow for better power transfer and a level of rigidity where most required. this may well be particularly welcome to those wishing to attach cleats to the sole. to enhance their application in as many situations as possible, the contact fabrics used in the construction process help keep those tootsies relatively odour free. eager to adopt an environmentally friendly outlook, quoc has partnered with 'bloom' to integrate their plant-based foam directly into the shoe.

i have little doubt that, assuming i have piqued your interest, there is little need to advise of the financial benefits to be gained by supporting quoc's kickstarter campaign. a pair of the weekend will cost £149 at retail, but for early adopters (so to speak), you can have a pair sent to your door for only £82 (plus carriage). the rest is up to you.

quoc pham 'the weekend' performance cycling trainer

friday 21 december 2018

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one of us is doomed

fifty years of adventure - cicerone

it is but a matter of a few days since i related some futuristic discussion on social media that had excited the brain cells of some forward-looking velocipedinists, while offering a sense of foreboding for the luddites amongst us (me).

the modern-day motor car has been developed to not only satisfy the demands of road-safety requirements and provide every home-comfort to its owners, but also to simplify the processes of production. this latter factor has resulted in comparisons being made to that of lego bricks, where the bodywork and chassis receives plug-and-play components added by robots. this has resulted in items such as headlamps costing hundreds of pounds to replace when something as simple as a bulb has failed. rather than mechanics being able to replace that bulb, it has frequently become necessary to replace the entire unit.

the upside to this situation is an integration of the vehicle's major components, several of which can be managed by a central computer, but at least offering plug-in diagnostics, where connecting a laptop can advise the wear-rate of items such as brake discs and pads and advising of any components or connections that may not be performing at optimum levels.

as one bereft of a family car, i have no idea whether this has resulted in a lowering of the status of your local garage mechanic, who no longer needs invoke his/her own diagnostic capabilities, many of which have been supplnted by a computer chip. perhaps the knowledge and training required to operate such systems is every bit as onerous as having to do it all themselves. but the original discussion revolved around such a state of affairs being applied to the velocipedinal world, where several of the above features could be incorporated into increasingly electronically dependent bicycles.

i have always been in thrall of the relative simplicity displayed by the bicycle. fixing a puncture, along with oiling the chain were the two minimum requirements instilled by my parents when i acquired a raleigh twenty as a kid. those, and giving it a weekly wash. in my experience, even those minimal requirements seem rarely to have been passed on to today's youth, a state of affairs which may have led to the excitement displayed by those eagerly anticipating the arrival of the self-diagnosing bicycle, and the addition of yet another app on that ubiquitous smartphone.

however, cynic though i am, i had thought that a bike such as i have just disparaged would be many years in the future or, if i'm lucky, not ever see the light of day within my lifetime. sadly or happily, depending on your point of view, it appears that such technology has turned out to be a darned sight more proximitous than i thought. granted, so far it appears only to have been incorporated into uber's next generation jump, bike share model, but we all know it can only be a matter of time.

uber's next generation bicycle, according to head of product, nick foley, will not only offer 4g connectivity to make the booking experience a tad faster, but ultimately make the service more reliable "...since the bike can now self-diagnose its most common failures." and, with "...full connectivity for all on-board systems, our fleets will be safer over time, as we use live diagnostic data from each vehicle (?) to uniquely optimise its performance with algorithms running in our cloud."

it's language like that which fills me with dread.

that said, if the technology exists - and it would be unfair to blame the latter - it strikes me that it's very unlikely to remain solely in the hands of 'uber'. however, if the men in the white coats solemnly promise to allow any bicycle equipped in this fashion to operate without necessary recourse to the cloud, algorithms or even a smartphone app, then i won't place them on the naughty list for this christmas.

uber jump bike share

thursday 20 december 2018

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cicerone 50th anniversary. edited by kev reynolds. cicerone publishing hardback. 156pp illus £22.50.

fifty years of adventure - cicerone

marcus tullius cicero served as a consul in the roman empire around 63bc and was reputedly proficient in public speaking, law and philosophy. born into a wealthy municipal family specialising in equestrianism, he his considered to be amongst rome's finest orators and writers. he also, perhaps unwittingly, offered the derivative naming of a cicerone as a guide, one who provides an intelligent overview of museums, galleries and matters of archaeological, historical and artistic interest to interested visitors and sightseers.

fifty years of adventure - cicerone

quoted in the 1762 edition of the oxford english dictionary, the word was defined as applicable to learned antiquarians, who showed and explained a country's antiquities and curiosities to visiting foreigners.

in the year when neil armstrong walked on the moon, the name was also appropriated by cicerone publishing in 1969 when they printed the first editions of ga hassell's guide to the northern lake district along with ian clough's 'ben nevis and glen coe', before straying farther afield the following year with a compendium of walks and climbs in ramsdal, norway. cicerone now publish well over 400 comprehensive guide books covering pretty much every corner of the known world, aimed at both walkers and cyclists. i have been fortunate to review many of the latter in these very pixels.

fifty years of adventure - cicerone

in celebration of fifty years of success, cicerone have eschewed their regular compact, paperback format and produced a sumptuous, coffee table style hardback that would scarcely be of consideration if heading out on your latest bikepacking adventure. however, adventure is not only at the heart of what cicerone are all about, it's at the centre of the ethos behind this 156 page book.

for the benefit of those of us who could loosely be described as 'armchair explorers', the number of impeccable colour illustrations contained within are likely to offer hours of proxy adventure, accompanied by contributions from cicerone authors and edited by kev reynolds. should the effectiveness of the publication ever be in doubt, the opening double-page spread of mountain tops peeking through the cloudbase, will absorb all but the soul-less for an appreciable period of time. on reaching the facing page to an appreciation on page nine, there is little alternative to experiencing a sharp intake of breath when viewing the 6,800 metre south face of a snow covered jitchu drake in bhutan (above). first climbed in 1988, there is now a ban imposed on all mountain climbing in the region.

fifty years of adventure - cicerone

however, i would surmise that few of those reading will be of a mountaineering persuasion, more inclined to stick to mountain biking or perchance, road-going velocipedinal activity. if i might paraphrase a william blake quote from the book's prologue, the guides come alive when 'men (and women) and bicycles meet'.

not unnaturally for a book celebrating fifty years of publishing, there is a chapter devoted to the origination of the company. it transpires that cicerone was the brainchild of two climbers originally hailing from yorkshire and lancaster: walt unsworth and brian evans. while working as a teacher, unsworth harboured ambitions to be a writer. evans ultimately found work as an artist, having spent four years studying at leeds college of art. he was asked to illustrate several of the articles published in 'climber and rambler', written by unsworth, who subsequently gave up his teaching career to edit the magazine when the original editor departed the fold.

fifty years of adventure - cicerone

the rest, as they say, is history.

there's no denying that'celebrating fifty years of adventure' is geared more towards the walker, hiker and hill/mountain climber, but that's not to say the cyclist is altogether ignored. cycling readers are regaled with an insight into the offroad world of 'the bowderdale classic' and 'the tissington trail', augmented with tales of riding the 'danube cycleway' and a paean to the bicycle saddle. however, to compartmentalise in such a fashion is sort of to miss the point of this book. cicerone as a publisher, is all about adventure, predominantly helping the uninitiated to find their way around hitherto unknown regions. this book is a celebration of every aspect of that philosophy, explored with great verve when separated from the need to state in which direction to turn or where to find a decent campsite.

it would be wrong to direct this book as an introduction to the incredible wealth of international guiding afforded by cicerone's regular output, but rather as a standalone appreciation of the marvellous world in which we live. and at the risk of being particularly twee, the more of us who ride bicycles rather than take to the automobile, the longer that world might last in its present state.

celebrating fifty years of adventure

wednesday 19 december 2018

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conflict of interest?

ardbeg single malt

those of you with even a passing interest in cycle sport will no doubt have read the news that sky have opted to end their sponsorship of dave brailsford's professional world cycling team at the end of the 2019 season. arguably, they have exceeded their original potential, by taking bradley wiggins to the top of the tour de france podium well inside a projected five year timescale. they've followed that up by placing chris froome in the same elevated position on two subsequent occasions, then excelling once again in july of this year with a yellow jersey for welshman, geraint thomas.

whatever you think of brailsford's marginal gains policy and almost tiresome race tactics, it would be hard to dispute that they've provided their sponsors with a more than decent return on a not insubstantial investment (an alleged £32 million). but as is frequently the case in professional cycling, all good things must eventually come to an end. i expect there will soon be the usual recriminations regarding the system that exists within the top levels of the sport, where teams are named after the sponsor; when the sponsor departs, though the team may stay essentially the same from a business point of view, supporters are now left with team kit that hasn't yet achieved retro status, but still has several years' wear left.

that's to say nothing of the perceived need to replace jerseys with that of the new sponsor, assuming, of course, that transfer of loyalties is the order of the day.

and what of the riders? as i have pointed out above, team sky have been admirably successful in their quest for victory, so it would presumably suit both uncle dave and his minstrels to maintain the structural integrity, so to speak. earlier this year, geraint thomas opted to renew his contract for another three years, despite being offered captainship of next season's ccc team, with their bright red/orange jerseys. and this year's man of the match, egon bernal, reputedly signed a five-year contract to remain in the sky peloton. presuming brailsford to have been party to sky's future plans, he must surely have been aware of this when offering the young colombian some papers to sign?

ardbeg single malt

i can only assume that the contract holder of bernal's and thomas's signatures is the team owner (brailsford), who will be honour-bound to fulfil those contracts and is thus currently and feverishly searching for a replacement sponsor. with that in mind, rumours are already circulating that louis vuitton moet hennessy - lvmh, might well be considering the number of zeros required on the cheque.

this french conglomerate was formed in 1987 following a merger of between fashion house, louis vuitton and quality drinks magnates, moet hennessy, itself the result of a 1971 merger between renowned champagne producers moet chandon and cognac supremos, hennessy. christian dior is the principal shareholder of lvmh, sharing chairman and ceo. the latter company has an annual income of €5.6 billion and total assets of €68.5 billion, so there's really no question of their not being able to afford placing their logo where it used to say 'sky'. as a matter of interest, sky's annual income is well over double that of lvmh.

however, to add a more parochial flavour to this discussion, lvmh are the owners of edinburgh-based glenmorangie who are, in turn, the owners of islay's ardbeg distillery and the latter have several coathangers in the old kiln café featuring ardbeg cycle jerseys, essentially team kit for velo club d'ardbeg. and early yesterday morning, as the rumours of lvmh's possible interest in cycle sponsorship circulated, an esteemed colleague tweeted to point out that surely the uci have a rule prohibiting single sponsorship of two professional teams. in which case, it hardly seems necessary that i point out we were here first.

i have already contacted the brand manager at ardbeg to inform him that we fully expect to be invited to the early season tenerife training camp in 2020.

tuesday 18 december 2018

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