thewashingmachinepost




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look mum no hands podium boxer shorts

lmnh podium boxers

secrets are the stuff of which cycling is made, or at least a part of it. the olympic road race in london 2012 is perhaps the prime example. having transported mark cavendish to rainbow stripes in 2011, the british selection for the olympic event pretty much figured they'd simply repeat the procedure in london. the fact that they pretty much telegraphed this intention, probably played a significant factor in the plot being spectacularly lost long before the finish line welcomed vinokourov, even if nobody else did. the previous year's race probably offered them little in the way of an alternate strategy; to be honest, there's every likelihood that any would have been scarcely believed in any case. the only way a gold medal could have been achieved would have been by way of a very clever secret.

pity they hadn't thought of that.

lmnh podium boxers

happily, our own needs are considerably less demanding and almost certainly less public. but still, a rider has to have his/her secrets, if only to maintain a seemly degree of credibility. who amongst us hasn't been joined by a visiting cyclist or peloton and felt it necessary to 'put one over on them' whether by way of a less than obvious deviation from the stated route, or a quicker way through some winding corners? sadly this more often than not leads to murmured condemnation from the ranks rather than the round of applause we'd really prefer, but i believe it comes under the heading of seemed like a good idea at the time. you can't blame a guy for trying, though.

we've been all through the regular motions of surreptitiously making public our clandestine tan lines, casually displaying the oval tan patches on the back of the hands and even down to the current habit of wearing a belgian winter cap back to front. but i fear those are for the more demonstrative amongst us, for despite such faux secrecy, there comes a point in time where all the above have to be elevated to a state of visibility in order for them to be of any use at all. where, might i ask, is the point in being able to speak velocipede if you don't practice it from time to time?

lmnh podium boxers

but real secrets are to be treasured, harboured or even savoured without any thought of making public mention ever. unfortunately, in the interests of reviewing, i am compelled to tell at least the portion of the world that reads these black and yellow pixels about the colour of my boxer shorts; probably not the sort of information you chose thewashingmachinepost for in the first place. the lovely people at look mum no hands! are now in the business of purveying tour de france podium boxer shorts: yellow, green and polka dots, each guaranteed to confer upon the wearer the very attributes endemic in the jerseys of the same name. having chosen the polka dot pair to instigate this review, i had no trouble whatsoever in climbing the odd set of stairs with barely a red flush brought to my cheeks. similarly, when clad in the green pair, it was simplicity itself to be first to the front of the checkout queue, having been led out by mrs washingmachinepost.

ok, i might have lied about that last bit.

the podium boxers are available in a pack of three for £25, made from cotton with a smattering of spandex and to be had in small, medium or large with look mum no hands! emblazoned on the waistband. naturally, if you buy yourself a set for christmas, you'll be keeping it quiet, but i should advise anyone buying a pack for the cyclist in their life that it's necessary to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

some secrets are too important to be told.

look mum no hands!

monday 25 november 2013

twmp ..........................................................................................................................................................................................................

aerozine q/r skewers

aerozine skewer

there's a possibility i may be repeating some of the following anecdote less accurately than ought to be the case; many stories that started out quite innocently behave contrary to that rolling stone, and gather more moss than is strictly admissable. this relates mostly to two distinctly notable additions to the bicycle that the great tullio campagnolo would likely scarce understand.

racing in november 1927 through the superbly named croce d'aune pass in italy, in the days when derailleurs were barely a sparkle in someone's eye, a set of ten numb fingers prompted one of those eureka moments in the snow. bicycles in those days were possessed of flip-flop hubs on the rear wheels, allowing the rider to leap off and swap the wheel round to access either a smaller or larger fixed rear sprocket. tullio's frozen fingers prevented him carrying out this relatively simple task, bringing him to invent a quick release mechanism that has developed across the years into something few of us would survive without.

the anecdote that has almost put paid to the efficacy of campagnolo's invention concerns an american teenager who, legend has it, attempted to bunny-hop a kerb without having properly closed the front quick-release mechanism. when the front wheel dropped out the fork, the hapless fellow suffered an uncomfortable level of injury. as often seems the case in north america, litigation was hiding just around the corner and either he or his parents took the cycle manufacturer to court for failing to advise that the q/r ought to be closed in the proper manner.

aerozine skewer

as you may imagine for yourselves, the law was apparently on the side of the errant youth, awarding substantial financial damages and instigating not just a little decal on the top tube advising that the cycling newbie ought to acquaint him/herself with the correct q/r closing procedure, but something far more insidious; lawyers' tabs. these consist of two small extensions to the front fork dropout that retains the wheel even if the q/r is left wide open. these innocuous little bits of alloy have effectively rendered tullio's excellent invention all but worthless on the front wheel, for now it's necessary to substantially loosen the skewer nut in order to remove the front wheel.

that's sort of the bit that didn't quite endear me not only to the apocryphal american teenager, but the pair of aerozine skewers currently gracing the mavic wheelset on my colnago c40. this may seem a tad harsh, particularly when these skewers share the same iniquity proffered by several other q/r devices on the market. the nut fitted to the opposite end from the lever is very small, presumably to lighten the load, so to speak, but it is also quite harshly knurled. prior to the instigation of those lawyers' tabs, screwing these up tight would only hurt thumb and forefinger on a solitary occasion, but now that this nut has to be loosened and tightened on each and every front wheel removal, i long for a skewer nut that is kinder to my fingers.

aerozine skewer

bizarrely, the lever end of the skewers exhibits exactly the opposite sensation, being pencil thin, smooth and impressively light in action. once correctly in place, the skewers carry out their job with innocuous ease. even allowing for their minimalist design, no matter the effort placed in their path when climbing, the rear wheel did not once slide to the left and meet with the chainstay. i'm not a weight weenie, so the few grams that these have undoubtedly saved over the manufacturer's original skewers is of no real nevermind to me. that is not to say others will think likewise.

however, on a bicycle with colnago's art decor flashes of blue, a similarly coloured pair of wheel skewers is a particularly pleasant addition to the overall look, and their titaniumness of axle is silently encouraging in both strength and corrosion resistance. however, should your velocipede be of a different hue, the skewers are also available in silver, orange, pink, black, green, gold and red. if the guys at aerozine are ever of a mind to scrabble about for suggestions as to improvements, might i respectfully suggest they take a leaf from tullio's book and do something smooth and ergonomic with the nuts.

aerozine skewers are available in the above mentioned colours at a cost of £29.99 per pair. similarly constituted mountain bike sized skewers are available in the same colours and at the same price.

aerozine titanium wheel skewers

sunday 24 november 2013

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reading the race. bike racing from inside the peloton. jamie smith with chris horner. velopress softback 269pp illus. £13.95 ($18.95)

reading the race

"There are times in a race when no-one is racing. This is known as 'the calm before the storm'. Collectively, the entire group will sit up and take it easy for a while. It's one of those moments in sport in which everyone is ready for nothing to happen. (In baseball, this is known as 'the entire game').

i really ought to confess that i have occasionally participated in innocent sporting prowess, despite having continually protested my non-competitive nature. on the road back to debbie's at the end of the sunday ride are two 30mph signs effectively announcing the existence of bruichladdich village. we sprint for these. it's something i really ought not to take an interest in, but if i'm feeling mischievous, or the others are scanning the skies for buzzards, i have been known to put on an unforeseen spurt and been first across the imaginary line joining the two aforementioned speed signs.

the only individual employing any manner of strategy at this late stage is the mighty dave t; as a former racer, he has more tricks up his sleeve than paul daniels. he has often impressed upon us that we ought never to trust belgians or pensioners; we always thought he was joking. for the rest of us, there is no attempt at feinting to the left or appearing to be stuffed in the hope that we can remain devious till the last minute. which is just as well, for i can no more read a race than the book of kells. i live in admiration of brian smith who seems to know each and every turn well in advance.

however, to remedy this embarrassingly atrocious situation, there is a recently published antidote entitled reading the race. i cannot now recall from where my misapprehension arose, but my initial introduction to this book had me believing it was by 2013 vuelta victor, chris horner, an authorial debut that would undoubtedly lead to impressive sales based on his latest grand tour victory. though there is little doubt that the book was written and compiled long before any racing in spain had commenced, i was dubious about velopress' timing of the publication date.

on receipt of my review copy, i felt slightly cheated to discover that the book was in fact authored by amateur racer and commentator, jamie smith. chris horner merely contributes a few admittedly pertinent anecdotes along the way. by the time i had finished reading, i felt even more cheated, except this time because no-one had made it plain just how brilliant an author jamie smith truly is.

smith's last book for velopress was entitled roadie: the misunderstood world of a bike racer. that was good, but this almost makes the word 'excellent' seem woefully inadequate. i'm afraid i must admit to harbouring the indefensible habit of folding over the page corners of review books to signify pages that i may wish to quote from during the composition of my subsequent reviews. if i recount that my copy of reading the race ended up with 27 bent pages (none of which referred to the words of chris horner), you may begin to appreciate the comic genius of mr smith. do not mistake his humour as a cover for lack of content; the man knows very well of which he writes, but has a style of delivery that would be the envy of many a professional comedian.

"And as an added bonus, I will find myself at the front of the field in the perfect position to begin the blocking procedure that will ensure your success.
"You're welcome."

smith examines the various motivations that bring those who work long and hard each weekday to pummel themselves into oblivion on the bicycle most weekends. and mercifully, he dwells only briefly on basic training, given the multitude of volumes already published on the strictures of preparing ourselves to do battle from the saddle. this is followed by cleverly detailed chapters concerning riding in a closely formed pack of riders, handling speed, attacking, winning (and other lofty goals), sprinting... i'm sure you get the general idea.

the strangest feature, as far as i was concerned was the compulsive nature imposed by the book's content. i have never raced and have no earthly intention of ever doing so in the future. i have no apparent skills whatsoever that would lend themselves to racing in a fast moving pack of honed athletes, and insufficient members of the velo club that would allow the sort of practice as advised by jamie smith. yet despite the contents being of little personal relevance, never once did the salient advice of messrs smith and horner ever pale into the realms of tedium.

"Riders down! That's the second thing that's said immediately after a crash. I can't print the first thing that's said."

though smith takes the lead on each and every topic, the strategic positioning of (always) relevant anecdotes from chris horner does much to point out the similarity of vision and actions in the professional peloton. though the book could have survived perfectly well without horner's contributions, no doubt his name on the cover will aid the all-important sales figures, and they do have the advantage of placing the author's narrative in a grander frame of context.

the descriptions of specific group tactics, such as pacelines, echelon riding and the like, are clearly illustrated and annotated. if you have any doubts as to how any are to be implemented in real life, these leave no doubt as to how each ought to be successfuly accomplished. but the book's winning smile is undoubtedly jamie smith's well-judged sense of humour. i would wholeheartedly recommend that anyone who considers themselves even remotely interested in cycle racing of any flavour, ought to acquire a copy of this book. if nothing else, you'll at least reach page 269 with sore sides from laughing.

despite its distinct american bias, and the comcomitant emphasis on criterium racing round square streets, there is much of relevance to the british/european amateur/semi-pro rider. if you're struggling as to what to buy the significant cyclist in your life, this is the ideal way to gain serious brownie points.

brilliant.

"For example, my team-mate, Ray Dybowski, was once in a solo breakaway in Sanford, Florida, on a boulevard course with two 180-degree turns. As he came through one of the turns, his friend Joe Saling yelled at him. On the next lap, Joe yelled again with what Ray was sure were valuable instructions. Though it was difficult at race pace to hear Joe and hard to comprehend what he was saying, Ray understood Joe this way: 'The key is to put more weight on the front wheel. Don't reach!
"Ray started leaning forward in the turns and found he had better traction and was able to carry more speed through the corners. He eventually won the race and excitedly thanked Joe for the advice afterward. Joe was perplexed. He hadn't shouted any instructions. He was trying to tell Ray, 'We left the keys to the car on the front wheels. We couldn't wait. We're going to the beach."

jamie smith's 'reading the race' is available from cordee books in the uk or direct from velopress in the usa.

friday 15 november 2013

twmp ..........................................................................................................................................................................................................

trendspotting for beginners

dutch and wolf

like many folks nowadays, i'm very poor at noticing trends prior to them becoming a bona-fide examples of the same. it was not always thus, however; perspicacity used to be my watchword (though it does worry me that i just wrote that). in the 1990s, our local average market started selling newspapers, once the singular province, on islay at least, of several independent local newsagents. so incensed were the local businesses, that they immediately formed a coalition amongst themselves and joined the federation of small business. all to no avail i might add; the average market still sells newspapers.

dutch and wolf

in a moment of forward thinking, i advised several of these troubled retailers that this minor infraction into what was previously their closely guarded territory was possibly the least of their worries. perceived as something of a mystery by me, none of them had taken into account the heavy footsteps of an onward marching internet. between ebay and amazon, quite a substantial portion of the goods available via the local federation of small businesses was now available post free for a fraction of the cost.

since those days, i seem to have failed to see any incoming trends, whether they be retail, political, technological or velocipedinal. well, maybe i may have been appraised on the latter point every now and again, but not so that you'd notice. however, though i expect it to form the bulk of a foreseeably future feature on the post, i may just have picked up on a recent trend that currently seems to have no real point. and those, if truth be told, are the most dangerous of the lot becasue they could head in one of a myriad of ways.

dutch and wolf

those of you who subscribe to or purchase a monthly copy of cyclist magazine will surely not have failed to note that german sportscar manufacturer porsche have placed two full-page advertisements for their not inconsiderably priced vehicles. i do rather admire their chutzpah, for while we are mostly aghast at colnago charging over £10,000 for a disc equipped c59 and a pinarello costing even more, those numbers rather pale into insignificance compared to the numbers that attach to very fast german engineering. i'm quite flattered that anyone would consider my personal worth to inhabit the stratospherics that might allow purchasing of such a vehicle, but feel it is my duty to point out that in such flattery, they are extremely wide of the mark.

of course, two car adverts in a single issue of one cycle magazine cannot legitimately be considered a trend, but allow me a smattering of augmentation. colnago dealers dutch and wolf have once more been invited to participate, along with a few examples of ernesto's finest at a christmas shopping event on 6th december at stratstone, wilmslow. not in itself a particularly onerous or overly remarkable occurence.

dutch and wolf

or is it?

one of the items available at stratstone, aside from those endearing colnagos, retails for a few pounds short of a quarter of a million pounds, for the christmas shopping event takes place at the local ferrar dealer. at £240,000, the f12 berlinetta is quite likely to overshadow a campagnolo super record eps equipped c59, or even a marinello painted colnago ferrari. granted, if the f12 is in your budget, perhaps a colnago ferrari would be the ideal trinketry to hang on the bike rack incongruously fitted to the back of the berlinetta.

an invitation to attend is open to all, whether ferrari or colnago fans, but if you fancy a test drive in a ferrari, you'll need to book in advance. perhaps the same applies to hydraulic disc equipped c59.

dutch and wolf

friday 15 november 2013

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