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rouleur + velominati rule#5 s/s jersey, bibshorts, socks and t-shirt
this is a perfectly true story, so the names of the participants have been withheld because i can't remember what they are.
one sunny, yet breezy friday afternoon, i was sat in debbie's supping froth and quite likely consuming a small piece of lemon drizzle cake when in walked a small assembly of visiting cyclists. after participating in the usual "hail fellow, well met" greetings as practised between civilised velocipedinists, they sat down at the corner table, ordered a round of coffees and cake and proceeded to unfold a large ordnance survey map across the table.
as i continued to drain my cup of soya cappuccino, attempting not to look as if i was keen to interject in their topographical proceedings, concerned murmurings and finger pointings took place in the corner.
not unexpectedly, after a few more minutes, one of their number turned to face in my direction and enquired if they might ask my advice about an aspect of their future travel plans. always willing to continue islay's reputation for being populated by the friendliest of friendly people, i nodded affirmatively. "we're trying to figure out which would be the better road to choose in order to avoid the wind." i ought probably to have been a tad more circumspect in my reply, but it was too good an opportunity to miss, so i told them i thought they'd be well advised to choose rule #5. as this was in the early days of velominati's existence, the keepers of the rules were few and far between; it was almost a secret society.
in answer to their collectively quizzical look, i replied with the unabbreviated version of h.t.f.u. this resulted in raucous laughter and not from yours truly.
the velo club, though abiding mostly by rules five and nine, tends to use the former as a weapon of smugness. even today, almost midway through april, the hebridean wind would likely give concern to any unsuspecting visiting cyclist. those permanently domiciled in these here parts view such meteorological matters with learned familiarity. in truth, it's pretty much always like this, but more often than not, a lot worse. rather than shy away on a turbo trainer, we're far more likely to go out riding anyway, having recited the rule #5 mantra as the bicycle is extricated from the bikeshed.
and now, thanks to a welcome collaboration between rouleur magazine and velominati, we have the ideal kit in which to practice our carefully honed 'hardness'
this consists of a black with red trim, short-sleeve jersey, a matching pair of bibshorts and a pair of appropriately monogrammed socks. should you for a moment need confirmation of the purpose of dressing thus, 'tis but a minute's attention to view the soles of the socks, the inside of the jersey cuffs or that of the leg grippers where the admonishment to 'harden the f**k up' can be easily read. however, in order not to spook the horses, outwardly the legend rule #5, is the only indication of obedience to the cause. other than the velominati logo, of course.
nowadays, it would be simplicity itself to engage the services of a well-meaning custom kit supplier to dye-sublimate some lycra and polyester, before offering it to an adoring, but less than fastidious public. but rouleur magazine has not spent its entire career cultivating an enviable quality of writing and photography to simply throw it all away on some cheap cycling kit. with jersey and bibshorts made in the uk, the rule #5 kit bears very favourable comparison with some of the finest apparel on the market today.
i have long contended that the sign of a suitably sized pair of quality bibshorts dictates that they ought to be a tad difficult to pull on; so doing, generally indicates a fit that will prove most amenable, no matter the length of purgatory in which one has decided to indulge on the bicycle. these are those shorts, with bib straps that hold everything in place without incurring red weals on both shoulders when time comes to enter a hot recovery shower. the substantial leg grippers grasp those honed thigh muscles with a tenacity that scarcely ruffles the skin and the pad is reminiscent of the comfort that would compete with a parker-knoll armchair, even if the saddle bears comparison with the legendary razor blade.
while praising the tenacity of the leg grippers, it is worth my pointing out that the grippers on the sleeves will fight you for possession of your upper arms. those sleeves will not move a millimetre, no matter the vectors enjoyed by a suspension stem on your specialized roubaix. the rear pockets are more than capable of swallowing a rain jacket whole while accommodating a mini-pump in the selfsame compartment. and emergency rucksack, digital camera, coffee money and a spare pair of track mitts are mere bagatelle. however, due to chilled hebridean temperatures, i accessorised with a richard sachs logo'd collar and armwarmers.
i'm inclined to state that socks, are socks, are socks, but in the interests of ubiquity and sartorial elegance, it behoves you well to do the decent thing and make sure they are of the same ilk as their brethren, particularly in light of their sole-based encouragement.
kilometres of riding into the teeth of a near gale-force headwind proved the veracity of each and every centimetre of uk-made polyester and lycra, receiving as hard a time as i was able to give. the fit of the jersey, like that of the shorts, leaves little room for unnecessary bulges to manouevre, portraying an athletic disposition to any innocent bystanders. so enamoured was i by the hidden legend 'neath arms and legs, that i succumbed only to armwarmers, baring a fast-moving, yet naked pair of legs to a chilled atmosphere. rule #5 is an intrinsic part of my dna.
however, you may be wondering quite what the earnest adherent to the rules should be seen wearing when the bike is all tucked up for the evening? that is precisely where the rule #5 t-shirt comes in. always willing to suffer for your art, i wore this garment for the entire length of eurosport's paris-roubaix coverage, during which it performed every bit as well as any hardened individual could reasonably expect.
the complete range of rouleur + velominati rule #5 kit is available direct from rouleur.cc, along with several other exclusive items of roadwear. the jersey, available in sizes ranging from small to xl, retails at £80; the bibshorts (s, m, l, xl) are £20 more at £100, while the simlarly sized t-shirt costs £36 and the socks at £16.
thursday 13 april 2017
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